I might as well continue the old person streak I have going here. Today's topic of concern: old people and farting. How are we supposed to act when an old person farts in public? Old people claim they have no idea when they let one rip--and maybe they really don't know, but come on I find that a little hard to believe. Just because their hearing is bad doesn't mean that they cannot feel an air bubble exiting their anal cavity. So when you are in a store and an old person squeaks out a fart, are you just supposed to pretend it didn't happen? Obviously my first reaction is loss of self control and hysteria to the point where I must leave the area in order to compose myself. Sometimes, in certain situations, you can't laugh at all though, like if the old person is with a non-elderly family member, or if you think the old person might be self-aware that they just farted, or if you are with someone who is too mature to laugh at farts (p.s. those people are lame).
Today I was out shopping and this old lady bent over to look at something. Apparently the pressure was just too much. What I'm getting at here is that she farted; it was very audible, and since I saw her bend over at that moment, it was even funnier. Just as I started to smirk and laugh, the younger woman she was with caught me. I quickly erased the smile off my face in order to help protect the old lady from her own shortcomings. But, do we really need to coddle old people like this and let them lead a life of lies? If you farted in public, wouldn't you want to know so you could laugh too?
If you happen to encounter a self-aware elderly farter, you cannot react at all. Because if you laugh, somehow you become the person who is rude. How do old people manage to turn the table on that one? I mean they initiated the rude act via farting in public. It's like shoving someone out of your way and calling it rude when they fall--yeah it doesn't make sense.
We need to shut this system down. Next time you hear an old person fart in public, I think you should call them out on it. Let them know, since they claim they don't already. Then, next time an old person tries to make a comment about how terrible and rude younger generations are, you can be like "well at least they don't fart in public and try to pretend like they have no idea they did." Or maybe this is just all part of the beauty of being elderly--a life of freedom and never having to hold in a fart again...
Friday, November 13, 2009
Tuesday, November 10, 2009
Old people and the anti-express lane
Not to bash on old people again, but let's face it, they pretty much ask for it. I think that all establishments should have a designated "elderly person" line--similar to the 15 items or less lane, except it wouldn't really be faster. The thing is old people always have at least one problem when they need to exchange money for goods/services, and so they inevitably hold up all the people waiting behind them.
Just this weekend, I was in line at the Amtrak ticket counter. There were three agents working with customers, all of whom were elderly. The line continued to grow as the old people attempted to work out all of their problems at a molasses speed. I'm not really sure what their problems were; I assume that they were trying to apply every discount card in their wallets to lower the already reduced ticket price, figuring out if it would be possible to be seated next to a doctor who could listen to all of their medical problems, or questioning if the cafe car stocked prunes or raisins--followed by disbelief and anger upon learning neither are available on the train.
As the minutes passed while I stood there waiting for my turn, I wondered why all of these old people couldn't have just one line. We all know that they arrived about 2 hours earlier than their scheduled departure, just to be safe (and probably to ensure they had enough time to cause problems at the ticket booth and figure out ways to get free coffee vouchers).
Perhaps an even more useful venue for "old person only" lines is the grocery store (or at least Shop Rite, the elderly mecca). Maybe if the grocery store created a 65+ line, the old people would feel like it was a special perk, and wouldn't realize that the sole purpose was to speed up check out for everyone else. You see, old people go to the grocery store just to stock up on sale things and put them in the pantry, basement shelving, or ice chest. They have a special network that monitors and informs them of the good sales at all the surrounding grocery stores (see earlier post on the "old person chain"). The only problem is they can't read the fine print because it's just too small, so they always have a problem when it comes time to check out. The grocery store thinks that they are going to dupe the elderly writing "limit 5" or "must buy 2" in fine print, but in fact it is the eldery that will inevitably dupe them. The checkout process for old people is a very special production. Even though these people forget the names of their own grandchildren, they somehow remember exactly how much each item should cost. When something rings up incorrectly, or when they think it has, that's when the problems and line hold ups start. Old people have great strength when this sort of thing happens and usually end up getting their way, simply because it's easier than continuing to argue with them.
The thing is, all old people act like this, so they don't mind when they see someone holding up 17 people because a box of jello rang up 4 cents more than it should have. In fact they support their peers, offer advice and 30 year old stories about the other times the grocery store took their hard earned money.
In conclusion, old people should be restricted to use certain lines. Then, they will only hold up each other (it's not like they work), but also they will have more socialization with their kind, be able to retell old stories to new people, learn where the pasta is on sale for $.88, and band together to wear down the price check kid.
Just this weekend, I was in line at the Amtrak ticket counter. There were three agents working with customers, all of whom were elderly. The line continued to grow as the old people attempted to work out all of their problems at a molasses speed. I'm not really sure what their problems were; I assume that they were trying to apply every discount card in their wallets to lower the already reduced ticket price, figuring out if it would be possible to be seated next to a doctor who could listen to all of their medical problems, or questioning if the cafe car stocked prunes or raisins--followed by disbelief and anger upon learning neither are available on the train.
As the minutes passed while I stood there waiting for my turn, I wondered why all of these old people couldn't have just one line. We all know that they arrived about 2 hours earlier than their scheduled departure, just to be safe (and probably to ensure they had enough time to cause problems at the ticket booth and figure out ways to get free coffee vouchers).
Perhaps an even more useful venue for "old person only" lines is the grocery store (or at least Shop Rite, the elderly mecca). Maybe if the grocery store created a 65+ line, the old people would feel like it was a special perk, and wouldn't realize that the sole purpose was to speed up check out for everyone else. You see, old people go to the grocery store just to stock up on sale things and put them in the pantry, basement shelving, or ice chest. They have a special network that monitors and informs them of the good sales at all the surrounding grocery stores (see earlier post on the "old person chain"). The only problem is they can't read the fine print because it's just too small, so they always have a problem when it comes time to check out. The grocery store thinks that they are going to dupe the elderly writing "limit 5" or "must buy 2" in fine print, but in fact it is the eldery that will inevitably dupe them. The checkout process for old people is a very special production. Even though these people forget the names of their own grandchildren, they somehow remember exactly how much each item should cost. When something rings up incorrectly, or when they think it has, that's when the problems and line hold ups start. Old people have great strength when this sort of thing happens and usually end up getting their way, simply because it's easier than continuing to argue with them.
The thing is, all old people act like this, so they don't mind when they see someone holding up 17 people because a box of jello rang up 4 cents more than it should have. In fact they support their peers, offer advice and 30 year old stories about the other times the grocery store took their hard earned money.
In conclusion, old people should be restricted to use certain lines. Then, they will only hold up each other (it's not like they work), but also they will have more socialization with their kind, be able to retell old stories to new people, learn where the pasta is on sale for $.88, and band together to wear down the price check kid.
Friday, October 30, 2009
Slutting it up, Halloween style...
I love Halloween. It is, perhaps, one of the greatest holidays ever. Not only do you get to dress up and pretend to be someone else, but people give you candy. In the past few years, there have been about a thousand pop culture references and tired jokes about girls dressing like sluts on Halloween. Yes yes, we all get it. On Halloween many girls unleash their inner slut and turn just about anything into a slutty _______.
The blank is most commonly filled in with animals or popular professions. Instead of masking the fact that you are dressing up as a slut by wearing a booty-short rendition of a cop's uniform (as if a police woman's ass would ever peak-a-boo with each step taken), why not dress up as a plain ol' slut. After all isn't that the ultimate goal anyways? Then when the men ask you what you are supposed to be, you can say "I'm a slut" instead of saying "I'm a cop." I'm pretty sure upon uttering those words, you will have all the male attention in the bar.
Now, if you need to be a slutty _____ because regular slut just doesn't do it for you, let me suggest a few excellent costume possibilities. I like to try to think of the least sexy person and then make a slutty Halloween costume, just to prove that anything goes for slutty _____. Take, for instance slutty plumber, slutty garbage collector, slutty grandma, slutty clown, slutty crack addict, slutty toddler, slutty Madeleine Albright, slutty porta-potty cleaner (rated #1 on Monster's grossest jobs), or slutty chicken sexer. These ideas are all like 10,000 times better than sexy nurse, cat, cowgirl, cop, or probably anything you can think of. Basically what I'm trying to say is: I have just compiled a list of the greatest Halloween costumes ever and anything you think of will be pitiful in comparison.
Wear one of my costume ideas and everybody will be happy because you get to dress like a slut and make a social commentary on modern Halloween practices.
The blank is most commonly filled in with animals or popular professions. Instead of masking the fact that you are dressing up as a slut by wearing a booty-short rendition of a cop's uniform (as if a police woman's ass would ever peak-a-boo with each step taken), why not dress up as a plain ol' slut. After all isn't that the ultimate goal anyways? Then when the men ask you what you are supposed to be, you can say "I'm a slut" instead of saying "I'm a cop." I'm pretty sure upon uttering those words, you will have all the male attention in the bar.
Now, if you need to be a slutty _____ because regular slut just doesn't do it for you, let me suggest a few excellent costume possibilities. I like to try to think of the least sexy person and then make a slutty Halloween costume, just to prove that anything goes for slutty _____. Take, for instance slutty plumber, slutty garbage collector, slutty grandma, slutty clown, slutty crack addict, slutty toddler, slutty Madeleine Albright, slutty porta-potty cleaner (rated #1 on Monster's grossest jobs), or slutty chicken sexer. These ideas are all like 10,000 times better than sexy nurse, cat, cowgirl, cop, or probably anything you can think of. Basically what I'm trying to say is: I have just compiled a list of the greatest Halloween costumes ever and anything you think of will be pitiful in comparison.
Wear one of my costume ideas and everybody will be happy because you get to dress like a slut and make a social commentary on modern Halloween practices.
Sunday, October 18, 2009
What's on your iTunes playlist?
Wow. Just wow. At the moment I am supposed to be working on a paper, but I have just been blessed with something so great I couldn't help but share. I am sitting at my desk, here in my apartment, working on my paper with my iTunes open. I got very exited when I saw that a playlist had appeared under my shared tab. I imagined all the great music that this person might have for me to listen to. I was wrong.
When I first saw this list, I was shocked by how short it was. Who has that few songs on their iTunes? Second, I wondered why anyone would have so many Nickelback songs; 1/3 of the list is populated by one of the crappiest bands (yes offense). Third, I was struck by the NASCAR song. I was unaware that NASCAR produced music. But yeah, I guess it makes sense for them to try to captivate the Nickelback audience.
At this moment I realized the playlist was shit and should be deleted from life. Just as I went to click back into my music tab, I thought I saw the word "milf." So I looked back at the list once again, and yes, I did see the word milf--in the title of the 45 minute video "Milfs Like it Big." I'm pretty sure my jaw dropped to the floor. And look closely at that list, because there are more special videos on it.
When you have iTunes, and you are part of a network shared by an entire apartment complex, it's probably best that you don't keep porn in your shared playlist--especially when you only have like 9 songs on it. Yeah I think that's a good idea. But seriously, what really appals me about this situation is the fact that this person has such bad taste in music. Perhaps he needs to stop watching porn and listen to the radio a little more. Then maybe his iTunes playlist will have more music than porn on it. What happens when someone asks him what kind of music he likes, or what songs are on his ipod? He probably just instinctively just touches his wiener. But seriously...Nickelback, that's just gross. Well now I know next time I see a dude with a Nickelback shirt and a NASCAR hat, I should definitely avoid him. Hah who am I kidding, I would've avoided him anyways...Nickelback AND NASCAR: LINE DRAWN.
When I first saw this list, I was shocked by how short it was. Who has that few songs on their iTunes? Second, I wondered why anyone would have so many Nickelback songs; 1/3 of the list is populated by one of the crappiest bands (yes offense). Third, I was struck by the NASCAR song. I was unaware that NASCAR produced music. But yeah, I guess it makes sense for them to try to captivate the Nickelback audience.
At this moment I realized the playlist was shit and should be deleted from life. Just as I went to click back into my music tab, I thought I saw the word "milf." So I looked back at the list once again, and yes, I did see the word milf--in the title of the 45 minute video "Milfs Like it Big." I'm pretty sure my jaw dropped to the floor. And look closely at that list, because there are more special videos on it.
When you have iTunes, and you are part of a network shared by an entire apartment complex, it's probably best that you don't keep porn in your shared playlist--especially when you only have like 9 songs on it. Yeah I think that's a good idea. But seriously, what really appals me about this situation is the fact that this person has such bad taste in music. Perhaps he needs to stop watching porn and listen to the radio a little more. Then maybe his iTunes playlist will have more music than porn on it. What happens when someone asks him what kind of music he likes, or what songs are on his ipod? He probably just instinctively just touches his wiener. But seriously...Nickelback, that's just gross. Well now I know next time I see a dude with a Nickelback shirt and a NASCAR hat, I should definitely avoid him. Hah who am I kidding, I would've avoided him anyways...Nickelback AND NASCAR: LINE DRAWN.
Saturday, October 17, 2009
peripheral vision
Sometimes when I see someone lurking in my peripheral vision I sort of construct an identity for them without actually looking to see who they are. I don't think I do this on purpose, I'm just so focused on what I'm doing and it all happens so fast...
So I have this idea of who is standing next to me, and it is always wrong. It's not just a little wrong, it's so wrong that when I actually turn to look at the person, I get surprised by who is there. Usually I have the gender and age completely wrong--the only thing I ever get right is the hair cut and color.
Take for instance the other day: while shopping in the produce section, I thought the person next to me was an old lady--turns out it was a middle aged man with a short, greying mullet. Needless to say I was quite surprised when I turned and saw that gentleman standing there.
The worst, though, is when you think the person next to you is the person you are with. You just see a body out of the corner of your eye and assume it's your person. Then you start to say something, but when you turn to finish what you want to say, you realize that you are talking to a complete stranger. You say something like, "oh, sorry I thought you were my friend." As if that's not bad enough, you feel like a retard when you return to your boyfriend's side, as the little girl you just accidentally talked to watches and wonders if she really looks like a man...
So I have this idea of who is standing next to me, and it is always wrong. It's not just a little wrong, it's so wrong that when I actually turn to look at the person, I get surprised by who is there. Usually I have the gender and age completely wrong--the only thing I ever get right is the hair cut and color.
Take for instance the other day: while shopping in the produce section, I thought the person next to me was an old lady--turns out it was a middle aged man with a short, greying mullet. Needless to say I was quite surprised when I turned and saw that gentleman standing there.
The worst, though, is when you think the person next to you is the person you are with. You just see a body out of the corner of your eye and assume it's your person. Then you start to say something, but when you turn to finish what you want to say, you realize that you are talking to a complete stranger. You say something like, "oh, sorry I thought you were my friend." As if that's not bad enough, you feel like a retard when you return to your boyfriend's side, as the little girl you just accidentally talked to watches and wonders if she really looks like a man...
Thursday, October 15, 2009
Yours Truly, Alessandra
I'm just going to be upfront: I hate it when people use the salutation "yours truly." Actually, hate isn't even a strong enough word. When I read the words "yours truly" I basically throw up a little bit in my mouth--kind of like when I hear a Miley Cirus song (oh come on Miley...writing a song for an older crowd? What does that even mean people who are 14, not 8? And what kind of "party in the USA" is she even talking about? One that takes place in someone's basement while their parents are upstairs watching tv? Yeah, that's what I thought. Why doesn't she wait until she can at least buy beer until she tries to sing about parties.). But seriously, the use of "yours truly" is worse than a Miley Cirus song, and yes, I will tell you why.
First, though, there is, perhaps, one acceptable use for the salutation "yours truly" in today's society: a love letter. Let me reiterate, unless you are writing a love letter, you should never EVER use this to sign off. Now if this were the 19th century, I wouldn't be writing this post (and not because the internet wasn't invented) because "yours truly" was a very acceptable salutation.
You might wonder where all of this ill sentiment for "yours truly" is coming from. In the past few months I have received a few business emails that have been signed "yours truly." When it happens I become irate and I want to email the person back and say "No, you are not 'mine truly.' What you are is a LIAR." In all seriousness, using that phrase automatically denotes you as a liar (unless you are writing a love letter). Why would anyone ever sign a professional email "yours truly." You aren't committing yourself to that person, you are participating in a business transaction. There will be no hugs, no making out, probably not even a high five. Just thinking about it makes me want to push my computer desk over and smash large quantities of glass in order to diffuse my anger. Using "yours truly" to sign a letter is the equivalent of wearing a neon fanny pack in Disney World. Yes, people do it, but it just seems gay (and no, I don't mean the good kind of gay--and by "good kind of gay" I mean the gays--who I love).
In the professional world you should aim to be sincere, honest, happy, and want good things to come out of working with others. For this reason salutations such as "sincerely," "best," "cheers," "best wishes," or "thank you" are clearly the best. Upon using the salutation "yours truly" you immediately loose all of your professional credibility--essentially you become PeeWee Herman-ed (I would just like to say that I am still a supporter of PeeWee). Using the salutation "yours truly" is the equivalent of whipping out your junk in public. It makes you a weirdo and a threat to the business world. Like your mom always told you, you should keep it in your pants in public. What she was really trying to say was never to use "yours truly."
In conclusion please never, ever use the salutation "yours truly" unless you
A.) are writing an actual love letter (even then I still think it's lame)
B.) are a girl under the age of 14
C.) have a time machine, travel back to 1877, and write a letter
D.) want to be a tool who sounds lame and like a huge loser.
Sincerely,
A.W.
First, though, there is, perhaps, one acceptable use for the salutation "yours truly" in today's society: a love letter. Let me reiterate, unless you are writing a love letter, you should never EVER use this to sign off. Now if this were the 19th century, I wouldn't be writing this post (and not because the internet wasn't invented) because "yours truly" was a very acceptable salutation.
You might wonder where all of this ill sentiment for "yours truly" is coming from. In the past few months I have received a few business emails that have been signed "yours truly." When it happens I become irate and I want to email the person back and say "No, you are not 'mine truly.' What you are is a LIAR." In all seriousness, using that phrase automatically denotes you as a liar (unless you are writing a love letter). Why would anyone ever sign a professional email "yours truly." You aren't committing yourself to that person, you are participating in a business transaction. There will be no hugs, no making out, probably not even a high five. Just thinking about it makes me want to push my computer desk over and smash large quantities of glass in order to diffuse my anger. Using "yours truly" to sign a letter is the equivalent of wearing a neon fanny pack in Disney World. Yes, people do it, but it just seems gay (and no, I don't mean the good kind of gay--and by "good kind of gay" I mean the gays--who I love).
In the professional world you should aim to be sincere, honest, happy, and want good things to come out of working with others. For this reason salutations such as "sincerely," "best," "cheers," "best wishes," or "thank you" are clearly the best. Upon using the salutation "yours truly" you immediately loose all of your professional credibility--essentially you become PeeWee Herman-ed (I would just like to say that I am still a supporter of PeeWee). Using the salutation "yours truly" is the equivalent of whipping out your junk in public. It makes you a weirdo and a threat to the business world. Like your mom always told you, you should keep it in your pants in public. What she was really trying to say was never to use "yours truly."
In conclusion please never, ever use the salutation "yours truly" unless you
A.) are writing an actual love letter (even then I still think it's lame)
B.) are a girl under the age of 14
C.) have a time machine, travel back to 1877, and write a letter
D.) want to be a tool who sounds lame and like a huge loser.
Sincerely,
A.W.
Wednesday, October 7, 2009
the old people chain
What's the deal with old people and moth balls? Why do they seem to be the only people who use them? When was the last time you smelled moth balls not coming from an old person? I know you are probably thinking, "Never. You are right old people are weirdos who smell bad." Now let's not go that far, old people are not weirdos, they are just a curious sector of society.
I wonder where the moth ball obsession came from. I mean if moths were really such a problem, wouldn't we all use moth balls? Was there some huge moth attack during WW II that I don't know about? Maybe I will begin to educate old people and reassure them that moths are no longer a threat, and it's not necessary for them to fill their homes with moth balls--but I'm sure that is a lost cause.
I wonder how advertisers even capture the old people market; they probably have idea meetings where they come up with ways to create and secure elderly consumers. Obviously the standard mall survey wouldn't work, unless of course the surveyor quickly informs the elderly person that after answering a few questions they would be rewarded with enough money to purchase McDonald's coffee everyday for the rest of the week (which is a pretty good consolation for people who visit the mall for hours solely to consume one cup of coffee with their friends).
All advertisers need to do is get one old person on board. Then by nature of how old people spread gossip like wildfire, within days each old person in the country would know about their product. The elderly gossip chain can even act on an international level--as long as one old person has contact with another, they will spread everything they hear. The reason for this is because they are always looking for new things to share--if you told the same stories for 60 years, you too would jump at the opportunity to tell your friends about the miracle product that rids moths, right? (maybe moth balls work so well, because there aren't actually any moths to begin with...hmmmm) But how do advertisers begin the chain? Their tactics obviously include product placement on The Price is Right, extremely loud commercials, endorsements by Wilford Brimley (seriously does anyone under the age of 65 even know who he is?), mentions on RAI (the Italian news channel--maybe that one is only for my grandparents), and of course, above all, confusing messages that cause old people to get flustered and spend money (scammers also use this one).
Obviously along with moth balls other products have made it through the old people chain and risen to the top: raisins (you don't need to put them in everything you bake--or do you?), chocolate covered cherries (the ones with that liquid center that explodes when you bite into it), sweaters with sleeves tight enough to hold used tissues, all gray leather platform sneakers, sunglasses that fit over regular glasses, track suits, prunes, marcel napkins, framed photos of The Pope, extremely small or extremely large cars, and watered-down juice. These things obviously have no real use, but old people love them all--it's so crazy. Talk about grassroots advertising--the old people chain practically invented it. How else would these things become so popular with out mass marketing campaigns?
If you don't believe me, just ask your grandmother about one of the things on this list, and I guarantee she will tell you not only how great it is, but how great at least one of her friends thinks it is...
I wonder where the moth ball obsession came from. I mean if moths were really such a problem, wouldn't we all use moth balls? Was there some huge moth attack during WW II that I don't know about? Maybe I will begin to educate old people and reassure them that moths are no longer a threat, and it's not necessary for them to fill their homes with moth balls--but I'm sure that is a lost cause.
I wonder how advertisers even capture the old people market; they probably have idea meetings where they come up with ways to create and secure elderly consumers. Obviously the standard mall survey wouldn't work, unless of course the surveyor quickly informs the elderly person that after answering a few questions they would be rewarded with enough money to purchase McDonald's coffee everyday for the rest of the week (which is a pretty good consolation for people who visit the mall for hours solely to consume one cup of coffee with their friends).
All advertisers need to do is get one old person on board. Then by nature of how old people spread gossip like wildfire, within days each old person in the country would know about their product. The elderly gossip chain can even act on an international level--as long as one old person has contact with another, they will spread everything they hear. The reason for this is because they are always looking for new things to share--if you told the same stories for 60 years, you too would jump at the opportunity to tell your friends about the miracle product that rids moths, right? (maybe moth balls work so well, because there aren't actually any moths to begin with...hmmmm) But how do advertisers begin the chain? Their tactics obviously include product placement on The Price is Right, extremely loud commercials, endorsements by Wilford Brimley (seriously does anyone under the age of 65 even know who he is?), mentions on RAI (the Italian news channel--maybe that one is only for my grandparents), and of course, above all, confusing messages that cause old people to get flustered and spend money (scammers also use this one).
Obviously along with moth balls other products have made it through the old people chain and risen to the top: raisins (you don't need to put them in everything you bake--or do you?), chocolate covered cherries (the ones with that liquid center that explodes when you bite into it), sweaters with sleeves tight enough to hold used tissues, all gray leather platform sneakers, sunglasses that fit over regular glasses, track suits, prunes, marcel napkins, framed photos of The Pope, extremely small or extremely large cars, and watered-down juice. These things obviously have no real use, but old people love them all--it's so crazy. Talk about grassroots advertising--the old people chain practically invented it. How else would these things become so popular with out mass marketing campaigns?
If you don't believe me, just ask your grandmother about one of the things on this list, and I guarantee she will tell you not only how great it is, but how great at least one of her friends thinks it is...
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