my new life calling

A couple of weeks ago, I came up with the greatest idea I have ever had: I've decided to become a professional tambourine player, you know, in my free time. I'm pretty sure that by specializing only in tambourine (and awesome dance moves) I will become the greatest band accompaniment ever...EVER.

The first week of my new dream consisted of dancing around and playing "air tambourine" on a daily basis. I'm not trying to brag or anything, but I'm probably the best air tambourine player ever. I'm thinking of posting my skills on youtube, but I don't want to make anyone feel bad since they will never be as good as me. That's just bad karma.

This week, I came one step closer to my dream: I BOUGHT A TAMBOURINE. Yeah that's right, I went to a music store, tested a few tambourines, and bought an awesome one. I've never bought anything at a music store before, so I asked the guy working behind the counter for his advice on tambourines. I take it not many people ask about tambourines (once I become a musical sensation and every band ever wants me to play with them, I'm sure like thousands of people will be asking for tambourines, though). I'm not gonna lie, the conversation was pretty awkward; I was trying to fake him out and pretend I'm a musical prodigy, he was trying to hide the fact that he could tell that I had no idea what I was talking about. After our discussion on tone--yeah that's right I told him one tambourine sounded more flat than the other. I finally chose the more popular half-moon version because as I told the music store guy it had "a better sound." Twenty dollars later, I walked out of that store with a new tambourine, and one step closer to my new life dream.

Now it's time to post my own ad on craigslist: "Professional tambourine player for hire: awesome dance moves included." And if that doesn't work, I'll just start taking my tambourine to live music shows, standing in the front row, with my back to the band, and tambourine-ing my little heart out. Hey world, watch out because the world's greatest professional tambourine player has just emerged.

I'd like another...taco?

We all know I thoroughly enjoy catching up on Craigslist Missed Connections. There is something really special about people looking for love. Something about this post caught my eye--it's just so sentimental, so real. I really hope the poster finds his missed connection, clearly he is looking for something meaningful.

Taco Bell Monday at lunch - m4w - 39 (Wilmington)

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Date: 2010-08-25, 10:12AM EDT

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You were wearing pants that really showed off your ass, your top was showing a nice amount of cleavage, and I think you caught me checking you out a few times! I've found I've been thinking about what it would feel like to wrap my arms around you, reaching behind to grab your ass in both hands or press up close behind you, reaching around to take your breasts in my hands. If you're interested, write back & describe the circumstances at lunch (which T.B., was I alone or not, were you alone or not, where'd you sit, etc)

First of all, I'd like to commend this poster for the correct use of "your" and "you're." For some reason, I really did not expect such polished grammar from this post.

I do have a word of caution, however to the poster. I'm not sure he's really going about finding his missed connection the right way. I mean perhaps he should have suggested just talking first. Let's be honest here, that is clearly the more sensible way to go about establishing a future with this woman. Seriously. You both just ate at Taco Bell for lunch. Do you really want to be pressed up against her ass? I think the answer is no, unless you want to be farted on.

For someone who knows the difference between "your" and "you're"(which apparently is a very difficult thing to learn), you should also know that you probably should sit alone for at least 24 hours after eating Taco Bell, and you most certainly should NOT suggest that someone who also just ate Taco Bell "press" her ass against you. That, my friend, is stuff you don't even have to go to English class to learn.

well i've found a new hero...

All it took was one look at this...woman(?) to know that I found a new hero for my list. Perhaps I should know have known who she was before I saw her photo tonight (am I just too concerned with reading like a thousand books a week?). I still don't know who Michaela Romanini is--well aside from being one of my heroes.

Hey now, stop being so judgey. Just take a good healthy look at this person. Yeah, soak it in. This is a beautiful person and when Cher and Peter Gallagher decided to have a baby, they probably had no idea it would be so striking. Why, you might be asking yourself, is this--let's just call her a woman (at least her name suggests she is)--a hero of mine? Well, I think it's really important for people to care about their public appearance. Michaela has obviously made great attempts to better herself and put on a "good face." Unfortunately, apparently no one ever told her what a "good face" looks like, and the extra heavy eyeliner she wears distorts her reflection in the mirror. Maybe I can send a pigeon to deliver this message to her: orange is not a natural complexion, caterpillars shouldn't be used as false eyebrows, and you should not model your lips after a baked potato. Also, if you look like you eat babies, there is something wrong with your face.

But hey, at least she is trying, and as we all know, it's the thought that counts, right? At least she didn't roll out of bed throw her hair in some rat nest, put on sweats with a "cute" word on the butt, and show up in public expecting to be taken seriously. If only everyone had her ambition, maybe the world would be a prettier place. However if everyone had her sense of style and love for cosmetic surgery, the world would probably have a lot more nip slips and nightmares...

some smart people are also cool.

Following a day of intense professionalism at an academic conference I have come up with ways to judge the level of coolness of people in the scholarly community. Sidenote: Yes, I actually whip out the big guns when it comes to being professional. In fact, I'm so awesomely serious it actually shocks people, and they say things to me like "wow, you were so professional up there" to which I reply "yeah thank god I let all my farts out before I got on stage." Just kidding. I don't say that to people, I wouldn't want to give away my secret.

Ok so being in a room full of studious academics is sometimes tough--while I am one myself, it is sometimes hard to talk to these types of people. Many are so interested in their own damn research that they rarely talk about other things, sometimes I just want to scream "Look buddy, you are the only one who gets a hard on about the crap you study, so just shut up already and talk about baseball or something." These people are not cool.

The other thing that happens is what I like to call a "research love connection" in which two or more scholars become obsessed with each other and their shared research interests. Basically they end up alone in the corner of a room full of people, seemingly unaware of all the others around them, as they passionately discuss their work--I call this a "verbal make-out session." Just like real make-out sessions, the more they drink, the sloppier and touchier they become. If they have a real connection, they will move to the couch, exchange business cards, and desperately hope the other calls them soon. These people are not cool.

So how do you know who is actually cool? This month's Elle magazine suggests in order to be "classy," a lady "only makes inappropriate jokes in appropriate company, and if she's not sure if she's in appropriate company, she waits." Let's face it, the only people who actually describe themselves as classy are actually incredibly trashy--if you don't believe me, just watch an episode of Jerseylicious. Who wants to be "classy" anyways? It's basically just a synonym for "girl douche." I'd rather be smart and funny any day of the week. That being said, I have a slightly different view on inappropriate jokes: use them as testers to find out who is cool and funny.

It's always easy to tell who will not find those jokes funny: the people mentioned above, people with circle glasses and bowties (separately they are fine, but combined they signal a total douche who has a lame sense of humor), people who have throaty voices and don't move their teeth when they talk, people who are orange, and people who have what I like to call "baby fetus muscles" (you know, big bulging muscles that look like there are little babies growing inside them). Don't even waste tester jokes on these people. Tester jokes are for people who could go either way. Good tester jokes must be hysterical and slightly inappropriate. Casually let one out, and monitor the crowd's reaction. The people who don't laugh are not cool. The people who smile are also not cool. The people who laugh are cool. Ignore everyone else and only talk to them.

a hero

I know when you all read my blog you think, "Wow, this person is my hero." It's tough to be a hero, but somebody has to do it. To offer more inspiration to my readers, I thought I'd start a reoccurring series sharing some of my own heroes. Let's start with someone who made the news a long time ago:



Mary-Kaye Laterno
Why wouldn't this woman be a hero of mine? She saw something she wanted, and she didn't let "socially accepted practices" get in her way. Oh yeah it's fine and all when men want to date younger, but MK tries to do it and she gets a bad rap. I mean come on SHE WAS IN LOVE with that little boy (hehehe). I think Justin Bieber proves that 15 year olds can be sexy too. I mean look at this picture of him--that helmet hair, that big smile, those scrawny little arms; and his voice has the melodic ring of a baby female gnome. That kid screams sexual energy. He is clearly a statutory rape target. (yes, I also threw up in my mouth a little bit just then) I heard it's really easy to know when he's touring because there is a fleet of windowless vans that follow him around--the drivers even offer FREE CANDY!!! I love free candy.


Mary-Kaye is an inspiration to women everywhere. She proves that you can find love anywhere. Sometimes you just have to look a little harder and offer to tutor math for free.

i always show my appreciation by showing my boobs

I was trolling c-list (that's what cool people like me call craigslist) today when something compelled me to look at this missed connection. I'm not sure why I was drawn to click on it, but I'm pretty happy I did because it is the sequal to the mc I posted about a while back...

Sexy on DuPont Rd - m4w - 40 (Elsmere)

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Date: 2010-04-13, 5:07PM EDT

Reply To This Post

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A few months back in the middle of what seemed like hell, I plowed your driveway. You showed me your breasts in appreciation of my efforts. You made my day. I saw you yesterday morning near your home, you gave me a very flirtatious grin. I would love to continue our little game. I look for you every day. If you are interested in some fun let me know....I am game if you are.

Yes, that's right, he's still looking for her. Except, he's found her again and knows where she lives. "Is that really a missed connection?" you're probably wondering. In his defense yeah, it is. He missed the opportunity to make a "connection" with her boobs when she flashed him, so he's trying to find a way to touch them. Geeze, give the poor guy a break.

I just want to reply to this guy and say "look, it's obvious that this chick is easy. WHY DON'T YOU JUST TALK TO HER." Perhaps he could start the conversation by mentioning something about her breasts. Something like "Hey, I think you have a perfect boob to nipple size ratio." Or maybe even "You know, I didn't really get a good look at those babies when I was plowing. Mind if I take another gander, maybe even give 'em a squeeze or two. Oh yeah how about I take you to Denny's too for a nice dinner." Or he could even use the classic i'll show you mine...

Now I don't want to be judgy or anything, but I'm fairly certain it will not be too hard for him to see her boobs again. I'm also certain she has an upper-boob tattoo (sometimes you just know these things), which he could ask to see. I have a hunch that he might not even have to ask to see 'em again if he drives by on a hot summer day--yes, what I'm getting at here is I subject Miss Thang suns topless in her yard on the days she doesn't hit the tanning salon (how else could she keep her lovely complexion?).

However, maybe our "gentleman" poster is a bit shy, so let me offer him some more advice on how to go about additional boob sightings/perhaps advance to touchings. If she showed her boobs "in appreciation" for plowing the driveway, maybe he should just knock on her door and offer to do other household tasks such as polish her floor, steam her carpet, change a few light bulbs, or polish her stripper pole. Surely one of those tasks will equate to some more "appreciation." I wonder what cleaning the gutters would get him?

In conclusion, I would like to discuss "the game" Mr. poster would like to continue to play. WHAT GAME? The I-drive-by-your-house-everyday-like-a-stalker-in-hopes-you'll-show-me-your-boobies-again game? Oh yeah, I love that game. I play it all the time; it's almost as good as Monopoly.

a guide to making friends.

Once you hit a certain age, making friends is not as easy as it used to be. I mean think back to 1st grade, all you had to do was walk up to someone and say "I like your bracelet." That was pretty much instant friendship. Making friends as you get older is a lot harder. You always seem to be dancing a fine line between friend and creepy weirdo. To help you make friends, I've complied a test. Each question has a right and wrong answer with an explanation, in case you are not sure why the answer is correct.



1. Observe something about the other person to start a conversation such as:
A.) "Your pants are riding up on you and it looks like you have a camel toe. I bet that hurts a little bit."
B.) "Your watch is neat."

Correct Answer: B
This might surprise you, but the correct answer is "B." Hear me out before you call this test a farce...You see, while "A" is very observant and has your potential friend's well-being in mind, it's actually a little weird to look at someone's crotch region and then acknowledge that you looked at it--especially if you don't know them. Just stick with observations on clothes, hair, or jewelry to be safe.


2. Find ways to slip something really cool about yourself into the conversation like:
A.) I just saw a really cool local band, The Spinto Band.
B.) Once I went pee in a cup in the backseat of a car in New York City, and I didn't even spill any of it.

Correct Answer: A
Well this seems obvious, some of you might be thinking "peeing in a cup in a moving vehicle in NYC is an incredible skill and super impressive." Yes, that's true. Anyone who can do that is clearly amazing, but regardless it will probably just make your potential new friend jealous that he/she does not have that skill.


3. Respond to what the other person says, for example if they say "My sister just had a baby," you say:
A.) I find that shaking a baby makes it stop crying.
B.) Babies are so cute. I like to buy them toys.

Correct Answer: B
While everybody loves a well shaken Martini, shaking babies is not a joke. Everybody knows that the real way to get a baby to stop crying is to give it a puff of your cigarette--after all they are probably just crying because their nicorette gum wore out.



4. Once you've decided you think friendship might be in your future, ask the other person for their phone number like so:
A.) I go to this great place. I'll give you a call next time I go...[exchange numbers]
B.) I would like your phone number so I can call you at weird times and just breathe into the phone without saying anything.

Correct Answer: A
Again, this is so obvious but sometimes you just need to put it in writing. You never actually tell the person that you are going to call at weird times and breathe into the phone, you just do it once you get their number.


I hope this test helps you make new friends. I think it will.