a guide to making friends.

Once you hit a certain age, making friends is not as easy as it used to be. I mean think back to 1st grade, all you had to do was walk up to someone and say "I like your bracelet." That was pretty much instant friendship. Making friends as you get older is a lot harder. You always seem to be dancing a fine line between friend and creepy weirdo. To help you make friends, I've complied a test. Each question has a right and wrong answer with an explanation, in case you are not sure why the answer is correct.



1. Observe something about the other person to start a conversation such as:
A.) "Your pants are riding up on you and it looks like you have a camel toe. I bet that hurts a little bit."
B.) "Your watch is neat."

Correct Answer: B
This might surprise you, but the correct answer is "B." Hear me out before you call this test a farce...You see, while "A" is very observant and has your potential friend's well-being in mind, it's actually a little weird to look at someone's crotch region and then acknowledge that you looked at it--especially if you don't know them. Just stick with observations on clothes, hair, or jewelry to be safe.


2. Find ways to slip something really cool about yourself into the conversation like:
A.) I just saw a really cool local band, The Spinto Band.
B.) Once I went pee in a cup in the backseat of a car in New York City, and I didn't even spill any of it.

Correct Answer: A
Well this seems obvious, some of you might be thinking "peeing in a cup in a moving vehicle in NYC is an incredible skill and super impressive." Yes, that's true. Anyone who can do that is clearly amazing, but regardless it will probably just make your potential new friend jealous that he/she does not have that skill.


3. Respond to what the other person says, for example if they say "My sister just had a baby," you say:
A.) I find that shaking a baby makes it stop crying.
B.) Babies are so cute. I like to buy them toys.

Correct Answer: B
While everybody loves a well shaken Martini, shaking babies is not a joke. Everybody knows that the real way to get a baby to stop crying is to give it a puff of your cigarette--after all they are probably just crying because their nicorette gum wore out.



4. Once you've decided you think friendship might be in your future, ask the other person for their phone number like so:
A.) I go to this great place. I'll give you a call next time I go...[exchange numbers]
B.) I would like your phone number so I can call you at weird times and just breathe into the phone without saying anything.

Correct Answer: A
Again, this is so obvious but sometimes you just need to put it in writing. You never actually tell the person that you are going to call at weird times and breathe into the phone, you just do it once you get their number.


I hope this test helps you make new friends. I think it will.