why i drink soy milk.

Last night I ordered a soy latte from Starbucks, that's not what I got. Unfortunately I didn't realize it until it was too late. Today I sent a letter to their customer service department to complain. This is what I said:

Dear Starbucks,
I am a frequent patron of your establishment. I very much enjoy ordering a double short soy latte, and sometimes I add a shot of toffee-nut syrup. Honestly, other coffee shops never make a soy latte as good as Starbucks--most don’t even offer soy milk as an option. Last night, on my way to class, I stopped to get a latte, an essential drink for a 7-10pm PhD-level seminar.

If you are wondering why I drink soy milk, it's because I’m lactose intolerant--not just some yuppie a-hole. You see, when I consume dairy products, I develop certain traits usually attributed to older, overweight, men--that’s right, I have extremely audible and horribly fragrant farts. Since we live in a culture where farting is frowned upon and very unacceptable, especially for an intellectual and pretty gal like myself, I avoid dairy products at all costs.

Well, last night I realized that my latte was not, in fact, a soy latte. Unfortunately the way I came about realizing this was not by tasting it, but rather the after effects of consuming it. Sometimes, you just can’t taste the difference, especially with the addition of a flavor shot.
As I sat in my graduate seminar, I developed a horrible stomach ache as gas bubbles floated inside of me begging to see the light. Unfortunately, it was neither the time nor place to let one rip, so I waited. Instead of paying attention to class I sat there in agony, waiting for the feeling to go away, knowing full well the only way to feel better was to let out a giant fart (and then a few more). As great of an idea as it seemed, I’m a smart cookie and I knew I’d never get away with it, so I just sat there holding in all that dairy-induced flatulence. Needless to say, I didn’t feel better until I finally arrived home to a judgment-free zone.

On behalf of all patrons who are lactose intolerant, please advise your Baristas to be extra cautious when filling soy milk orders. Sometimes it’s not just about how a drink tastes, but how a drink makes you feel. Lattes should make you feel great and not like you belong at a sleepover party with 14 year old boys or hanging out with Artie Lang. Until farting is socially acceptable, I will continue to drink soy lattes from Starbucks. I just hope next time I place my order I actually receive a soy latte.

Thank you,
Alessandra

I feel lucky for the person who gets to field this complaint. I can't wait to get their response...