the response!!!!

After days of waiting my response from Starbucks is finally here. I'm not going to lie, I was a little (EXTREMELY) disappointed with it. Really, Starbucks? That's all you want to say?


Hello Alessandra,

Thank you so much for taking the time to write to us. I am very sorry that your latte was made with regular milk instead of soy.

I want to assure you that I will be following up with the store and its management team in order to ensure that we are making these beverages correctly. Unfortunately, I am unclear at which store this happened. If you could please respond to this email with further information about the store location (such as cross streets), this would help us greatly. Please also feel free to take a look at our store locator at http://www.starbucks.com/retail/find/default.aspx for store information.
What I would like to do, is to invite you back to our stores to have a drink done right. I would be happy to mail you some beverage coupons so that your next drink will be on us.

Thanks again for giving us the opportunity to fix this situation. I am sorry you were caused discomfort during your seminar. I assure you that we take feedback from our customers seriously and will use this as an opportunity to improve the experience for you.

If there are any questions or concerns that I have not been able to address, please don't hesitate to call us at 800 23-LATTE (235-2883), we are here Monday through Friday from 5:00 AM to 6:00 PM (PST).


Thank you,

Natalie Y.

Come on, Natalie Y! Don't you want to address any of my concerns other than "discomfort in my seminar?" I guess I was expecting a response more like this:

Dear Ms. Wood,

First of all that is the greatest letter I've ever received. I'm really sorry that you did not get a soy latte. Sometimes the workers in our stores are a-holes and don't listen to customers, but we still get business anyways!

This situation is way worse than ordering a non-fat latte and ending up with a 1%. Those people are practically complaining for no reason. I can tell by your letter that you are really pretty--it's totally worse for pretty people to fart in public. It's really an unfair standard. Seriously, why can fat people fart any time (or old people for that matter, but that's another topic) but pretty people have to suffer?

If I were you, I probably would've stopped by that Starbucks after class and let all my farts out in their store as I proclaimed "YOU DID THIS TO ME! Breathe it in, bitches!" I, however, understand that you wanted to handle the situation with tact.

In addition to giving you free latte coupons, we are going to try to change the social stigma against farting in public. We have discussed it with headquarters and are beginning the campaign to start a new law called "The Alessandra Law." This law, if passed by congress (make sure you call your congressman to tell him to support it), would allow all lactose intolerant people a sort of "free public fart." Basically, next time you let one slip out in public, you can just call out "Alessandra Law" and it will be illegal for anyone to make fun of you or laugh--if they do, they will get arrested. Of course, we need to make sure that the law isn't abused by people like Artie Lang or 14 year old boys, but we will work that all out because we are Starbucks, and yes we can.

You are so awesome, you should contact us anytime with your ideas.

Thanks,
Starbucks

Yeah, I'm pretty sure that's what they should have said to me...

why i drink soy milk.

Last night I ordered a soy latte from Starbucks, that's not what I got. Unfortunately I didn't realize it until it was too late. Today I sent a letter to their customer service department to complain. This is what I said:

Dear Starbucks,
I am a frequent patron of your establishment. I very much enjoy ordering a double short soy latte, and sometimes I add a shot of toffee-nut syrup. Honestly, other coffee shops never make a soy latte as good as Starbucks--most don’t even offer soy milk as an option. Last night, on my way to class, I stopped to get a latte, an essential drink for a 7-10pm PhD-level seminar.

If you are wondering why I drink soy milk, it's because I’m lactose intolerant--not just some yuppie a-hole. You see, when I consume dairy products, I develop certain traits usually attributed to older, overweight, men--that’s right, I have extremely audible and horribly fragrant farts. Since we live in a culture where farting is frowned upon and very unacceptable, especially for an intellectual and pretty gal like myself, I avoid dairy products at all costs.

Well, last night I realized that my latte was not, in fact, a soy latte. Unfortunately the way I came about realizing this was not by tasting it, but rather the after effects of consuming it. Sometimes, you just can’t taste the difference, especially with the addition of a flavor shot.
As I sat in my graduate seminar, I developed a horrible stomach ache as gas bubbles floated inside of me begging to see the light. Unfortunately, it was neither the time nor place to let one rip, so I waited. Instead of paying attention to class I sat there in agony, waiting for the feeling to go away, knowing full well the only way to feel better was to let out a giant fart (and then a few more). As great of an idea as it seemed, I’m a smart cookie and I knew I’d never get away with it, so I just sat there holding in all that dairy-induced flatulence. Needless to say, I didn’t feel better until I finally arrived home to a judgment-free zone.

On behalf of all patrons who are lactose intolerant, please advise your Baristas to be extra cautious when filling soy milk orders. Sometimes it’s not just about how a drink tastes, but how a drink makes you feel. Lattes should make you feel great and not like you belong at a sleepover party with 14 year old boys or hanging out with Artie Lang. Until farting is socially acceptable, I will continue to drink soy lattes from Starbucks. I just hope next time I place my order I actually receive a soy latte.

Thank you,
Alessandra

I feel lucky for the person who gets to field this complaint. I can't wait to get their response...

wine actually isn't that cool...

That's it. I'm just going to say it. I don't care what the world thinks of me. Wine is STUPID. There, I said it, and I meant it.

People (and by people, let's face it I mean women) are so obsessed with wine. They're all like "Oooo let's drink wine." "I love wine." "Wine is the greatest thing ever." Well, actually, it's not. Wine is not your friend (see earlier post), it pretends to be cool and fun and then cuts you. Drinking a couple of glasses of wine or a whole bottle is usually the worst idea ever.

Wine is like juice but the bad kind that comes in those little plastic barrels with the foil tops (yeah you know those ones that are basically sugar and water). At first you are like "Oh my god this is so delicious, but then after a while it's like, why did I drink that?" Because wine is like juice, you keep having more, and that's usually where the problem comes in. It is especially a problem with middle aged women; they have a special tolerance for wine that, frankly, I just don't have.

The only time you should ever drink too much wine is when you are looking to practice the Not Hollywood Miracle Diet. It's actually really easy you just drink a LOT of wine, have fun, and wake up the next day. Guaranteed to make you loose weight (it also works with beer, FYI). Other than that wine is lame and actually makes you fatter.

From here on out next time someone says "let's drink wine." I will say "No. You drink your stupid wine, and I will drink my Jack Daniels." Because Jack Daniels never made me cry; he is a gentleman.

the gentrification of the douche

Over the past few years the douche bag has developed into a lovable buddy character. He represents a dude slightly too into himself who frequents the gym and lingers at the mirror. People excuse his actions because he's a douche--that's just who he is. I believe psychologists call this "enabling." Essentially as a society we are allowing for this gentrification process--we are encouraging the rise of the douche as a standard member of a male entourage.

Frankly, I am not happy with this for many reasons. First of all who even likes a douche? Exactly, no one. No one actually wants to be friends with these guys, but for some reason they keep inviting them to hang out. I can't really explain that phenomenon so I'll use a canned answer: it's obviously an effect of modern movies and music videos that glorify the douche and make kids these days want to A.) be a douche or B.) be friends with a douche. Doesn't anyone realize that the douche will NEVER become a core member of the standard American friend group? The DB will never replace the token Asian or wheelchair kid as a member of the "perfect" group of friends. So seriously society, stop trying so hard to include him.

But more importantly the gentrification of the douche lessens the verbal impact of the word. When I call someone a douche bag, douche, or db (or scream it while driving), I do not want it to have the same effect as calling my girls whores. I want it to cut. I want it to offend. I want it to mean something bad.

All I'm asking is that as a society, we stop and really think about the effects of letting the douche rise into popular culture. Keep the douche down, keep him friendless, and you will save the douche bag. (and by "save the douche bag" I obviously mean the offensive connotations associated with the words.)

I wonder why this company no longer exists...

Take a good, hard look at this advertisement. (Yes, this is my life. I don't go out of my way to find these things, they just come to me.) This ad grabbed my attention as I was flipping through a mid-century design magazine. I honestly can't think of one reason why this elevator company is no longer in business. Who wouldn't want to ride the Porn and Dunwoody to get off on a higher level? Or wait, maybe it's the Porn that elevates you, and the Dunwoody that descends you--yeah that makes sense.

It's a good thing that the "Kleenex syndrome" didn't occur with elevators, or you'd say to your friends "I'm gonna go ride the Porn and Dunwoody now." Or "I shared the Porn and Dunwoody with a really creepy guy this morning." Or even "Wait, hold the Porn and Dunwoody, I need it!" Or as my friend, Tony likes to tell people while pressing the call button rapidly, "If you press it like this, the Porn and Dunwoody will come faster."

Yeah, so maybe it's a good thing Porn and Dunwoody went out of business. I don't know, but maybe...

like they really don't know...

I might as well continue the old person streak I have going here. Today's topic of concern: old people and farting. How are we supposed to act when an old person farts in public? Old people claim they have no idea when they let one rip--and maybe they really don't know, but come on I find that a little hard to believe. Just because their hearing is bad doesn't mean that they cannot feel an air bubble exiting their anal cavity. So when you are in a store and an old person squeaks out a fart, are you just supposed to pretend it didn't happen? Obviously my first reaction is loss of self control and hysteria to the point where I must leave the area in order to compose myself. Sometimes, in certain situations, you can't laugh at all though, like if the old person is with a non-elderly family member, or if you think the old person might be self-aware that they just farted, or if you are with someone who is too mature to laugh at farts (p.s. those people are lame).

Today I was out shopping and this old lady bent over to look at something. Apparently the pressure was just too much. What I'm getting at here is that she farted; it was very audible, and since I saw her bend over at that moment, it was even funnier. Just as I started to smirk and laugh, the younger woman she was with caught me. I quickly erased the smile off my face in order to help protect the old lady from her own shortcomings. But, do we really need to coddle old people like this and let them lead a life of lies? If you farted in public, wouldn't you want to know so you could laugh too?

If you happen to encounter a self-aware elderly farter, you cannot react at all. Because if you laugh, somehow you become the person who is rude. How do old people manage to turn the table on that one? I mean they initiated the rude act via farting in public. It's like shoving someone out of your way and calling it rude when they fall--yeah it doesn't make sense.

We need to shut this system down. Next time you hear an old person fart in public, I think you should call them out on it. Let them know, since they claim they don't already. Then, next time an old person tries to make a comment about how terrible and rude younger generations are, you can be like "well at least they don't fart in public and try to pretend like they have no idea they did." Or maybe this is just all part of the beauty of being elderly--a life of freedom and never having to hold in a fart again...

Old people and the anti-express lane

Not to bash on old people again, but let's face it, they pretty much ask for it. I think that all establishments should have a designated "elderly person" line--similar to the 15 items or less lane, except it wouldn't really be faster. The thing is old people always have at least one problem when they need to exchange money for goods/services, and so they inevitably hold up all the people waiting behind them.

Just this weekend, I was in line at the Amtrak ticket counter. There were three agents working with customers, all of whom were elderly. The line continued to grow as the old people attempted to work out all of their problems at a molasses speed. I'm not really sure what their problems were; I assume that they were trying to apply every discount card in their wallets to lower the already reduced ticket price, figuring out if it would be possible to be seated next to a doctor who could listen to all of their medical problems, or questioning if the cafe car stocked prunes or raisins--followed by disbelief and anger upon learning neither are available on the train.

As the minutes passed while I stood there waiting for my turn, I wondered why all of these old people couldn't have just one line. We all know that they arrived about 2 hours earlier than their scheduled departure, just to be safe (and probably to ensure they had enough time to cause problems at the ticket booth and figure out ways to get free coffee vouchers).

Perhaps an even more useful venue for "old person only" lines is the grocery store (or at least Shop Rite, the elderly mecca). Maybe if the grocery store created a 65+ line, the old people would feel like it was a special perk, and wouldn't realize that the sole purpose was to speed up check out for everyone else. You see, old people go to the grocery store just to stock up on sale things and put them in the pantry, basement shelving, or ice chest. They have a special network that monitors and informs them of the good sales at all the surrounding grocery stores (see earlier post on the "old person chain"). The only problem is they can't read the fine print because it's just too small, so they always have a problem when it comes time to check out. The grocery store thinks that they are going to dupe the elderly writing "limit 5" or "must buy 2" in fine print, but in fact it is the eldery that will inevitably dupe them. The checkout process for old people is a very special production. Even though these people forget the names of their own grandchildren, they somehow remember exactly how much each item should cost. When something rings up incorrectly, or when they think it has, that's when the problems and line hold ups start. Old people have great strength when this sort of thing happens and usually end up getting their way, simply because it's easier than continuing to argue with them.

The thing is, all old people act like this, so they don't mind when they see someone holding up 17 people because a box of jello rang up 4 cents more than it should have. In fact they support their peers, offer advice and 30 year old stories about the other times the grocery store took their hard earned money.

In conclusion, old people should be restricted to use certain lines. Then, they will only hold up each other (it's not like they work), but also they will have more socialization with their kind, be able to retell old stories to new people, learn where the pasta is on sale for $.88, and band together to wear down the price check kid.