I'd like another...taco?

We all know I thoroughly enjoy catching up on Craigslist Missed Connections. There is something really special about people looking for love. Something about this post caught my eye--it's just so sentimental, so real. I really hope the poster finds his missed connection, clearly he is looking for something meaningful.

Taco Bell Monday at lunch - m4w - 39 (Wilmington)

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Date: 2010-08-25, 10:12AM EDT

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You were wearing pants that really showed off your ass, your top was showing a nice amount of cleavage, and I think you caught me checking you out a few times! I've found I've been thinking about what it would feel like to wrap my arms around you, reaching behind to grab your ass in both hands or press up close behind you, reaching around to take your breasts in my hands. If you're interested, write back & describe the circumstances at lunch (which T.B., was I alone or not, were you alone or not, where'd you sit, etc)

First of all, I'd like to commend this poster for the correct use of "your" and "you're." For some reason, I really did not expect such polished grammar from this post.

I do have a word of caution, however to the poster. I'm not sure he's really going about finding his missed connection the right way. I mean perhaps he should have suggested just talking first. Let's be honest here, that is clearly the more sensible way to go about establishing a future with this woman. Seriously. You both just ate at Taco Bell for lunch. Do you really want to be pressed up against her ass? I think the answer is no, unless you want to be farted on.

For someone who knows the difference between "your" and "you're"(which apparently is a very difficult thing to learn), you should also know that you probably should sit alone for at least 24 hours after eating Taco Bell, and you most certainly should NOT suggest that someone who also just ate Taco Bell "press" her ass against you. That, my friend, is stuff you don't even have to go to English class to learn.

well i've found a new hero...

All it took was one look at this...woman(?) to know that I found a new hero for my list. Perhaps I should know have known who she was before I saw her photo tonight (am I just too concerned with reading like a thousand books a week?). I still don't know who Michaela Romanini is--well aside from being one of my heroes.

Hey now, stop being so judgey. Just take a good healthy look at this person. Yeah, soak it in. This is a beautiful person and when Cher and Peter Gallagher decided to have a baby, they probably had no idea it would be so striking. Why, you might be asking yourself, is this--let's just call her a woman (at least her name suggests she is)--a hero of mine? Well, I think it's really important for people to care about their public appearance. Michaela has obviously made great attempts to better herself and put on a "good face." Unfortunately, apparently no one ever told her what a "good face" looks like, and the extra heavy eyeliner she wears distorts her reflection in the mirror. Maybe I can send a pigeon to deliver this message to her: orange is not a natural complexion, caterpillars shouldn't be used as false eyebrows, and you should not model your lips after a baked potato. Also, if you look like you eat babies, there is something wrong with your face.

But hey, at least she is trying, and as we all know, it's the thought that counts, right? At least she didn't roll out of bed throw her hair in some rat nest, put on sweats with a "cute" word on the butt, and show up in public expecting to be taken seriously. If only everyone had her ambition, maybe the world would be a prettier place. However if everyone had her sense of style and love for cosmetic surgery, the world would probably have a lot more nip slips and nightmares...

some smart people are also cool.

Following a day of intense professionalism at an academic conference I have come up with ways to judge the level of coolness of people in the scholarly community. Sidenote: Yes, I actually whip out the big guns when it comes to being professional. In fact, I'm so awesomely serious it actually shocks people, and they say things to me like "wow, you were so professional up there" to which I reply "yeah thank god I let all my farts out before I got on stage." Just kidding. I don't say that to people, I wouldn't want to give away my secret.

Ok so being in a room full of studious academics is sometimes tough--while I am one myself, it is sometimes hard to talk to these types of people. Many are so interested in their own damn research that they rarely talk about other things, sometimes I just want to scream "Look buddy, you are the only one who gets a hard on about the crap you study, so just shut up already and talk about baseball or something." These people are not cool.

The other thing that happens is what I like to call a "research love connection" in which two or more scholars become obsessed with each other and their shared research interests. Basically they end up alone in the corner of a room full of people, seemingly unaware of all the others around them, as they passionately discuss their work--I call this a "verbal make-out session." Just like real make-out sessions, the more they drink, the sloppier and touchier they become. If they have a real connection, they will move to the couch, exchange business cards, and desperately hope the other calls them soon. These people are not cool.

So how do you know who is actually cool? This month's Elle magazine suggests in order to be "classy," a lady "only makes inappropriate jokes in appropriate company, and if she's not sure if she's in appropriate company, she waits." Let's face it, the only people who actually describe themselves as classy are actually incredibly trashy--if you don't believe me, just watch an episode of Jerseylicious. Who wants to be "classy" anyways? It's basically just a synonym for "girl douche." I'd rather be smart and funny any day of the week. That being said, I have a slightly different view on inappropriate jokes: use them as testers to find out who is cool and funny.

It's always easy to tell who will not find those jokes funny: the people mentioned above, people with circle glasses and bowties (separately they are fine, but combined they signal a total douche who has a lame sense of humor), people who have throaty voices and don't move their teeth when they talk, people who are orange, and people who have what I like to call "baby fetus muscles" (you know, big bulging muscles that look like there are little babies growing inside them). Don't even waste tester jokes on these people. Tester jokes are for people who could go either way. Good tester jokes must be hysterical and slightly inappropriate. Casually let one out, and monitor the crowd's reaction. The people who don't laugh are not cool. The people who smile are also not cool. The people who laugh are cool. Ignore everyone else and only talk to them.

a hero

I know when you all read my blog you think, "Wow, this person is my hero." It's tough to be a hero, but somebody has to do it. To offer more inspiration to my readers, I thought I'd start a reoccurring series sharing some of my own heroes. Let's start with someone who made the news a long time ago:



Mary-Kaye Laterno
Why wouldn't this woman be a hero of mine? She saw something she wanted, and she didn't let "socially accepted practices" get in her way. Oh yeah it's fine and all when men want to date younger, but MK tries to do it and she gets a bad rap. I mean come on SHE WAS IN LOVE with that little boy (hehehe). I think Justin Bieber proves that 15 year olds can be sexy too. I mean look at this picture of him--that helmet hair, that big smile, those scrawny little arms; and his voice has the melodic ring of a baby female gnome. That kid screams sexual energy. He is clearly a statutory rape target. (yes, I also threw up in my mouth a little bit just then) I heard it's really easy to know when he's touring because there is a fleet of windowless vans that follow him around--the drivers even offer FREE CANDY!!! I love free candy.


Mary-Kaye is an inspiration to women everywhere. She proves that you can find love anywhere. Sometimes you just have to look a little harder and offer to tutor math for free.

i always show my appreciation by showing my boobs

I was trolling c-list (that's what cool people like me call craigslist) today when something compelled me to look at this missed connection. I'm not sure why I was drawn to click on it, but I'm pretty happy I did because it is the sequal to the mc I posted about a while back...

Sexy on DuPont Rd - m4w - 40 (Elsmere)

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Date: 2010-04-13, 5:07PM EDT

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A few months back in the middle of what seemed like hell, I plowed your driveway. You showed me your breasts in appreciation of my efforts. You made my day. I saw you yesterday morning near your home, you gave me a very flirtatious grin. I would love to continue our little game. I look for you every day. If you are interested in some fun let me know....I am game if you are.

Yes, that's right, he's still looking for her. Except, he's found her again and knows where she lives. "Is that really a missed connection?" you're probably wondering. In his defense yeah, it is. He missed the opportunity to make a "connection" with her boobs when she flashed him, so he's trying to find a way to touch them. Geeze, give the poor guy a break.

I just want to reply to this guy and say "look, it's obvious that this chick is easy. WHY DON'T YOU JUST TALK TO HER." Perhaps he could start the conversation by mentioning something about her breasts. Something like "Hey, I think you have a perfect boob to nipple size ratio." Or maybe even "You know, I didn't really get a good look at those babies when I was plowing. Mind if I take another gander, maybe even give 'em a squeeze or two. Oh yeah how about I take you to Denny's too for a nice dinner." Or he could even use the classic i'll show you mine...

Now I don't want to be judgy or anything, but I'm fairly certain it will not be too hard for him to see her boobs again. I'm also certain she has an upper-boob tattoo (sometimes you just know these things), which he could ask to see. I have a hunch that he might not even have to ask to see 'em again if he drives by on a hot summer day--yes, what I'm getting at here is I subject Miss Thang suns topless in her yard on the days she doesn't hit the tanning salon (how else could she keep her lovely complexion?).

However, maybe our "gentleman" poster is a bit shy, so let me offer him some more advice on how to go about additional boob sightings/perhaps advance to touchings. If she showed her boobs "in appreciation" for plowing the driveway, maybe he should just knock on her door and offer to do other household tasks such as polish her floor, steam her carpet, change a few light bulbs, or polish her stripper pole. Surely one of those tasks will equate to some more "appreciation." I wonder what cleaning the gutters would get him?

In conclusion, I would like to discuss "the game" Mr. poster would like to continue to play. WHAT GAME? The I-drive-by-your-house-everyday-like-a-stalker-in-hopes-you'll-show-me-your-boobies-again game? Oh yeah, I love that game. I play it all the time; it's almost as good as Monopoly.

a guide to making friends.

Once you hit a certain age, making friends is not as easy as it used to be. I mean think back to 1st grade, all you had to do was walk up to someone and say "I like your bracelet." That was pretty much instant friendship. Making friends as you get older is a lot harder. You always seem to be dancing a fine line between friend and creepy weirdo. To help you make friends, I've complied a test. Each question has a right and wrong answer with an explanation, in case you are not sure why the answer is correct.



1. Observe something about the other person to start a conversation such as:
A.) "Your pants are riding up on you and it looks like you have a camel toe. I bet that hurts a little bit."
B.) "Your watch is neat."

Correct Answer: B
This might surprise you, but the correct answer is "B." Hear me out before you call this test a farce...You see, while "A" is very observant and has your potential friend's well-being in mind, it's actually a little weird to look at someone's crotch region and then acknowledge that you looked at it--especially if you don't know them. Just stick with observations on clothes, hair, or jewelry to be safe.


2. Find ways to slip something really cool about yourself into the conversation like:
A.) I just saw a really cool local band, The Spinto Band.
B.) Once I went pee in a cup in the backseat of a car in New York City, and I didn't even spill any of it.

Correct Answer: A
Well this seems obvious, some of you might be thinking "peeing in a cup in a moving vehicle in NYC is an incredible skill and super impressive." Yes, that's true. Anyone who can do that is clearly amazing, but regardless it will probably just make your potential new friend jealous that he/she does not have that skill.


3. Respond to what the other person says, for example if they say "My sister just had a baby," you say:
A.) I find that shaking a baby makes it stop crying.
B.) Babies are so cute. I like to buy them toys.

Correct Answer: B
While everybody loves a well shaken Martini, shaking babies is not a joke. Everybody knows that the real way to get a baby to stop crying is to give it a puff of your cigarette--after all they are probably just crying because their nicorette gum wore out.



4. Once you've decided you think friendship might be in your future, ask the other person for their phone number like so:
A.) I go to this great place. I'll give you a call next time I go...[exchange numbers]
B.) I would like your phone number so I can call you at weird times and just breathe into the phone without saying anything.

Correct Answer: A
Again, this is so obvious but sometimes you just need to put it in writing. You never actually tell the person that you are going to call at weird times and breathe into the phone, you just do it once you get their number.


I hope this test helps you make new friends. I think it will.

craigslist missed connections

Perhaps this is the second best craigslist "missed connection" I have ever seen. Only in Delaware?

I Plowed Your Driveway You Showed Me Your Tits - m4w (NCC)

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Date: 2010-02-18, 3:25PM EST

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Well the headline says it all...It was early Sunday morning you were shoveling an enormous pile of snow. I plowed you out and was amazed at how sexy you were. As I finished and to my complete amazement you lifted up your sweatshirt to expose two perfect breasts. Your smile has been on my mind since then. I can't wait for it to snow again so I can see you again....

•Location: NCC
•it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

PostingID: 1606929327



Ahhh where to begin...The first thing I would like to say re: this ad is that I really, really wish I had seen this happen. I am dying to know what this woman looks like--dying to know. The dude who wrote the ad is easy to imagine; obviously a Larry the Cable Guy look alike. The "sexy" lady however, is perhaps, a bit more difficult. There are two things we need to keep in mind when constructing her image: 1. we are talking about a woman who voluntarily showed her boobs to a stranger during a snowstorm and 2. "sexy" is in the eye of the beholder. That being said, I am fairly confident in saying this woman has all of the following traits: bleached blond, stringy, wavy hair with major roots showing, heavy blue eyeliner, a smoker's voice, an orangish complexion with heavy pancake foundation, a fairy tattoo, and some rampant STD. I think the ad poster neglected to mention that she was wearing a sweatshirt with Tweety Bird on it, acid washed jeans, and chunky high-healed, black boots.

My favorite part of this posting is the ending, "your smile has been on my mind since then." Come on, is it really her smile he can't stop thinking of? Yeah I'm about 97% confident this gentleman would not have posted this ad if our lady friend had simply smiled at him. Ladies, let this be a lesson: if you really want to get noticed by a man, show him your boobies, and he will remember your smile.

the response!!!!

After days of waiting my response from Starbucks is finally here. I'm not going to lie, I was a little (EXTREMELY) disappointed with it. Really, Starbucks? That's all you want to say?


Hello Alessandra,

Thank you so much for taking the time to write to us. I am very sorry that your latte was made with regular milk instead of soy.

I want to assure you that I will be following up with the store and its management team in order to ensure that we are making these beverages correctly. Unfortunately, I am unclear at which store this happened. If you could please respond to this email with further information about the store location (such as cross streets), this would help us greatly. Please also feel free to take a look at our store locator at http://www.starbucks.com/retail/find/default.aspx for store information.
What I would like to do, is to invite you back to our stores to have a drink done right. I would be happy to mail you some beverage coupons so that your next drink will be on us.

Thanks again for giving us the opportunity to fix this situation. I am sorry you were caused discomfort during your seminar. I assure you that we take feedback from our customers seriously and will use this as an opportunity to improve the experience for you.

If there are any questions or concerns that I have not been able to address, please don't hesitate to call us at 800 23-LATTE (235-2883), we are here Monday through Friday from 5:00 AM to 6:00 PM (PST).


Thank you,

Natalie Y.

Come on, Natalie Y! Don't you want to address any of my concerns other than "discomfort in my seminar?" I guess I was expecting a response more like this:

Dear Ms. Wood,

First of all that is the greatest letter I've ever received. I'm really sorry that you did not get a soy latte. Sometimes the workers in our stores are a-holes and don't listen to customers, but we still get business anyways!

This situation is way worse than ordering a non-fat latte and ending up with a 1%. Those people are practically complaining for no reason. I can tell by your letter that you are really pretty--it's totally worse for pretty people to fart in public. It's really an unfair standard. Seriously, why can fat people fart any time (or old people for that matter, but that's another topic) but pretty people have to suffer?

If I were you, I probably would've stopped by that Starbucks after class and let all my farts out in their store as I proclaimed "YOU DID THIS TO ME! Breathe it in, bitches!" I, however, understand that you wanted to handle the situation with tact.

In addition to giving you free latte coupons, we are going to try to change the social stigma against farting in public. We have discussed it with headquarters and are beginning the campaign to start a new law called "The Alessandra Law." This law, if passed by congress (make sure you call your congressman to tell him to support it), would allow all lactose intolerant people a sort of "free public fart." Basically, next time you let one slip out in public, you can just call out "Alessandra Law" and it will be illegal for anyone to make fun of you or laugh--if they do, they will get arrested. Of course, we need to make sure that the law isn't abused by people like Artie Lang or 14 year old boys, but we will work that all out because we are Starbucks, and yes we can.

You are so awesome, you should contact us anytime with your ideas.

Thanks,
Starbucks

Yeah, I'm pretty sure that's what they should have said to me...

why i drink soy milk.

Last night I ordered a soy latte from Starbucks, that's not what I got. Unfortunately I didn't realize it until it was too late. Today I sent a letter to their customer service department to complain. This is what I said:

Dear Starbucks,
I am a frequent patron of your establishment. I very much enjoy ordering a double short soy latte, and sometimes I add a shot of toffee-nut syrup. Honestly, other coffee shops never make a soy latte as good as Starbucks--most don’t even offer soy milk as an option. Last night, on my way to class, I stopped to get a latte, an essential drink for a 7-10pm PhD-level seminar.

If you are wondering why I drink soy milk, it's because I’m lactose intolerant--not just some yuppie a-hole. You see, when I consume dairy products, I develop certain traits usually attributed to older, overweight, men--that’s right, I have extremely audible and horribly fragrant farts. Since we live in a culture where farting is frowned upon and very unacceptable, especially for an intellectual and pretty gal like myself, I avoid dairy products at all costs.

Well, last night I realized that my latte was not, in fact, a soy latte. Unfortunately the way I came about realizing this was not by tasting it, but rather the after effects of consuming it. Sometimes, you just can’t taste the difference, especially with the addition of a flavor shot.
As I sat in my graduate seminar, I developed a horrible stomach ache as gas bubbles floated inside of me begging to see the light. Unfortunately, it was neither the time nor place to let one rip, so I waited. Instead of paying attention to class I sat there in agony, waiting for the feeling to go away, knowing full well the only way to feel better was to let out a giant fart (and then a few more). As great of an idea as it seemed, I’m a smart cookie and I knew I’d never get away with it, so I just sat there holding in all that dairy-induced flatulence. Needless to say, I didn’t feel better until I finally arrived home to a judgment-free zone.

On behalf of all patrons who are lactose intolerant, please advise your Baristas to be extra cautious when filling soy milk orders. Sometimes it’s not just about how a drink tastes, but how a drink makes you feel. Lattes should make you feel great and not like you belong at a sleepover party with 14 year old boys or hanging out with Artie Lang. Until farting is socially acceptable, I will continue to drink soy lattes from Starbucks. I just hope next time I place my order I actually receive a soy latte.

Thank you,
Alessandra

I feel lucky for the person who gets to field this complaint. I can't wait to get their response...