wine actually isn't that cool...

That's it. I'm just going to say it. I don't care what the world thinks of me. Wine is STUPID. There, I said it, and I meant it.

People (and by people, let's face it I mean women) are so obsessed with wine. They're all like "Oooo let's drink wine." "I love wine." "Wine is the greatest thing ever." Well, actually, it's not. Wine is not your friend (see earlier post), it pretends to be cool and fun and then cuts you. Drinking a couple of glasses of wine or a whole bottle is usually the worst idea ever.

Wine is like juice but the bad kind that comes in those little plastic barrels with the foil tops (yeah you know those ones that are basically sugar and water). At first you are like "Oh my god this is so delicious, but then after a while it's like, why did I drink that?" Because wine is like juice, you keep having more, and that's usually where the problem comes in. It is especially a problem with middle aged women; they have a special tolerance for wine that, frankly, I just don't have.

The only time you should ever drink too much wine is when you are looking to practice the Not Hollywood Miracle Diet. It's actually really easy you just drink a LOT of wine, have fun, and wake up the next day. Guaranteed to make you loose weight (it also works with beer, FYI). Other than that wine is lame and actually makes you fatter.

From here on out next time someone says "let's drink wine." I will say "No. You drink your stupid wine, and I will drink my Jack Daniels." Because Jack Daniels never made me cry; he is a gentleman.

the gentrification of the douche

Over the past few years the douche bag has developed into a lovable buddy character. He represents a dude slightly too into himself who frequents the gym and lingers at the mirror. People excuse his actions because he's a douche--that's just who he is. I believe psychologists call this "enabling." Essentially as a society we are allowing for this gentrification process--we are encouraging the rise of the douche as a standard member of a male entourage.

Frankly, I am not happy with this for many reasons. First of all who even likes a douche? Exactly, no one. No one actually wants to be friends with these guys, but for some reason they keep inviting them to hang out. I can't really explain that phenomenon so I'll use a canned answer: it's obviously an effect of modern movies and music videos that glorify the douche and make kids these days want to A.) be a douche or B.) be friends with a douche. Doesn't anyone realize that the douche will NEVER become a core member of the standard American friend group? The DB will never replace the token Asian or wheelchair kid as a member of the "perfect" group of friends. So seriously society, stop trying so hard to include him.

But more importantly the gentrification of the douche lessens the verbal impact of the word. When I call someone a douche bag, douche, or db (or scream it while driving), I do not want it to have the same effect as calling my girls whores. I want it to cut. I want it to offend. I want it to mean something bad.

All I'm asking is that as a society, we stop and really think about the effects of letting the douche rise into popular culture. Keep the douche down, keep him friendless, and you will save the douche bag. (and by "save the douche bag" I obviously mean the offensive connotations associated with the words.)

I wonder why this company no longer exists...

Take a good, hard look at this advertisement. (Yes, this is my life. I don't go out of my way to find these things, they just come to me.) This ad grabbed my attention as I was flipping through a mid-century design magazine. I honestly can't think of one reason why this elevator company is no longer in business. Who wouldn't want to ride the Porn and Dunwoody to get off on a higher level? Or wait, maybe it's the Porn that elevates you, and the Dunwoody that descends you--yeah that makes sense.

It's a good thing that the "Kleenex syndrome" didn't occur with elevators, or you'd say to your friends "I'm gonna go ride the Porn and Dunwoody now." Or "I shared the Porn and Dunwoody with a really creepy guy this morning." Or even "Wait, hold the Porn and Dunwoody, I need it!" Or as my friend, Tony likes to tell people while pressing the call button rapidly, "If you press it like this, the Porn and Dunwoody will come faster."

Yeah, so maybe it's a good thing Porn and Dunwoody went out of business. I don't know, but maybe...