some smart people are also cool.

Following a day of intense professionalism at an academic conference I have come up with ways to judge the level of coolness of people in the scholarly community. Sidenote: Yes, I actually whip out the big guns when it comes to being professional. In fact, I'm so awesomely serious it actually shocks people, and they say things to me like "wow, you were so professional up there" to which I reply "yeah thank god I let all my farts out before I got on stage." Just kidding. I don't say that to people, I wouldn't want to give away my secret.

Ok so being in a room full of studious academics is sometimes tough--while I am one myself, it is sometimes hard to talk to these types of people. Many are so interested in their own damn research that they rarely talk about other things, sometimes I just want to scream "Look buddy, you are the only one who gets a hard on about the crap you study, so just shut up already and talk about baseball or something." These people are not cool.

The other thing that happens is what I like to call a "research love connection" in which two or more scholars become obsessed with each other and their shared research interests. Basically they end up alone in the corner of a room full of people, seemingly unaware of all the others around them, as they passionately discuss their work--I call this a "verbal make-out session." Just like real make-out sessions, the more they drink, the sloppier and touchier they become. If they have a real connection, they will move to the couch, exchange business cards, and desperately hope the other calls them soon. These people are not cool.

So how do you know who is actually cool? This month's Elle magazine suggests in order to be "classy," a lady "only makes inappropriate jokes in appropriate company, and if she's not sure if she's in appropriate company, she waits." Let's face it, the only people who actually describe themselves as classy are actually incredibly trashy--if you don't believe me, just watch an episode of Jerseylicious. Who wants to be "classy" anyways? It's basically just a synonym for "girl douche." I'd rather be smart and funny any day of the week. That being said, I have a slightly different view on inappropriate jokes: use them as testers to find out who is cool and funny.

It's always easy to tell who will not find those jokes funny: the people mentioned above, people with circle glasses and bowties (separately they are fine, but combined they signal a total douche who has a lame sense of humor), people who have throaty voices and don't move their teeth when they talk, people who are orange, and people who have what I like to call "baby fetus muscles" (you know, big bulging muscles that look like there are little babies growing inside them). Don't even waste tester jokes on these people. Tester jokes are for people who could go either way. Good tester jokes must be hysterical and slightly inappropriate. Casually let one out, and monitor the crowd's reaction. The people who don't laugh are not cool. The people who smile are also not cool. The people who laugh are cool. Ignore everyone else and only talk to them.