Where to begin....This is seriously the greatest craigslist missed connection I've ever read. EVER. And I've read a lot. I even read one once that went like this: "I farted and you said it smelled like the time you pooped in your pants while shopping. I told you I like a women who doesn't waste time going to the bathroom." Yeah that's for real. I'm pretty sure this tops that, though...Each sentence somehow is better than the last; just when you think the author has written the greatest thing ever, he outdoes himself. Now I know why I always get skeeved out when I go to this Walmart...
Walmart Shopper drinking Gin - m4w - 45 (Elsmere)
I saw you at the Elsmere Walmart. You were drinkin Gin, that was hidden in your bra. I axed for some, and you pulled your electric cart in the corner near the 99cent DVD's. You told me that your husband beat you and we laughed cuz he was in the Fishing section. He had an Oxygen tank, and hole in his neck to breathe. We hid in the bathroom, and your two kids helped me get you out of your chair so we could get frisky while they bloged the door . I still have the perfume and nail polish that you asked me to hide in my camafauge pants, and you still have my hart. I just can't get that Tattoo of yours off my mind, and I need to see it again. You wanted to go to NASCAR but it was rainin. I went instead of followin u home If you are still serious about leaving the old airbag, I'm right here waiting for you.
PostingID: 2396789972- Location: Elsmere
- it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
Ok, so WOW, where to begin...Here is how I imagine this missed connection going down...First of all let's make sure we're all on the same page: this event took place at Walmart. Could it have taken place at Target or Macy's? Probably not. The players in this scenario are the man who wrote this missed connection, let's call him Prescott (I think you'll agree he sounds like one), and a special lady, I think her name is Lady Bird or something like that. So Prescott was just wandering around the $.99 DVD section looking for a restored, unaired Looney Tunes double episode DVD, when all of the sudden this major hottie on an electric scooter buzzed by him and smashed on the breaks because a $.99 Mary Tyler Moore DVD caught her eye. Lady Bird picked it up, looked at the picture of a young, independent Mary Tyler Moore, thought it reflected her, and threw the DVD in her basket. Excited about her new DVD, Lady Bird pulled the fifth of gin she had slyly hid in her bra (well except for the odd, bottle shaped, extra large boob it created) and went to drive off to find some nicotine patches. Prescott, however, stopped her. He had noticed her right away because he thought she was going to grab some of the the $.99 DVDs he wanted. Once he saw her reach for Mary Tyler Moore and swig some gin straight out of the bottle from her boob, he knew they were meant to be. He wanted to toast to his newfound love, so he axed to share her gin. She agreed, but suggested they move further in the corner of the $.99 DVD section.
They started talking and realized they had so much in common, and laughed and laughed at the stories of her husband beating her. "That darn kook with the hole in his throat and the oxygen tank." she said, "He just loves to fish. It's his favorite hobby...Well aside from beating me up. HAHAHAHA. Isn't that a riot?!?!?" Prescott was laughing so hard at this point, he couldn't breath, and wished he had his own oxygen tank. "Why don't we go get frisky in the bathroom," he suggested. Lady Bird agreed that it was a great idea; she heard the bathrooms were extra clean at the Elsmere Walmart. She yelled for her kids to come help her go to the bathroom. Prescott and her children lifted her out of the electric scooter and helped her walk into the bathroom. "Blog this door!" she said "So no one comes in here while I'm getting frisky with this man."
They came out of the bathroom to find a long line of people waiting outside of the bloged door. They didn't care though, they were in love. They strolled the aisles together laughing and talking about domestic violence and stealing. Prescott sat on Lady Bird's lap as they drove through the aisles at .5 miles per hour. Lady Brid asked Prescott to put a Revlon nail polish and a knock-off Obsession perfume in the pocket of his camouflage pants. She told him his camo pants would probably hide her stolen goods better than her tight bra and t-shirt, also the gin bottle was taking up enough space already. He agreed and asked for another sip of warm chest gin.
They decided to look at the $.99 CDs to see if there were any good new releases. Nothing good though, only classical crap and kidz bop. They conversed about NASCAR; she said she wanted to go, but didn't want to get wet in the rain. Her personal appearance was messed up enough by getting "frisky" in the Walmart bathroom--she still had toilet paper blowing in the wind behind her scooter. Prescott told her he didn't want to miss the beginning of the race, so he left--even though he knew she was his true love. Prescott said goodbye to Lady Bird. They laughed once more about her husband's throat hole and anger management issues. He thanked her kids for "bloging" the bathroom door. He decided not to follow her home because he feared he wouldn't make it to the race in time to place his bet on Dale Jr.
Days later, Prescott just couldn't stop thinking of Lady Bird. "What a gal," he thought. "She raised two courteous and helpful kids, she loves a classy cocktail, and loves a quality $.99 bargain DVD. I just need to see her and that amazing tattoo again." And even though he doesn't know her name and she doesn't know his, he is "right here" on Craigstlist waiting for her, whenever she's ready to leave the "old airbag."
I really hope God brings these two together again. Clearly they are meant to be, and it's just not fair for the universe to keep them apart...
