the old people chain

What's the deal with old people and moth balls? Why do they seem to be the only people who use them? When was the last time you smelled moth balls not coming from an old person? I know you are probably thinking, "Never. You are right old people are weirdos who smell bad." Now let's not go that far, old people are not weirdos, they are just a curious sector of society.



I wonder where the moth ball obsession came from. I mean if moths were really such a problem, wouldn't we all use moth balls? Was there some huge moth attack during WW II that I don't know about? Maybe I will begin to educate old people and reassure them that moths are no longer a threat, and it's not necessary for them to fill their homes with moth balls--but I'm sure that is a lost cause.



I wonder how advertisers even capture the old people market; they probably have idea meetings where they come up with ways to create and secure elderly consumers. Obviously the standard mall survey wouldn't work, unless of course the surveyor quickly informs the elderly person that after answering a few questions they would be rewarded with enough money to purchase McDonald's coffee everyday for the rest of the week (which is a pretty good consolation for people who visit the mall for hours solely to consume one cup of coffee with their friends).



All advertisers need to do is get one old person on board. Then by nature of how old people spread gossip like wildfire, within days each old person in the country would know about their product. The elderly gossip chain can even act on an international level--as long as one old person has contact with another, they will spread everything they hear. The reason for this is because they are always looking for new things to share--if you told the same stories for 60 years, you too would jump at the opportunity to tell your friends about the miracle product that rids moths, right? (maybe moth balls work so well, because there aren't actually any moths to begin with...hmmmm) But how do advertisers begin the chain? Their tactics obviously include product placement on The Price is Right, extremely loud commercials, endorsements by Wilford Brimley (seriously does anyone under the age of 65 even know who he is?), mentions on RAI (the Italian news channel--maybe that one is only for my grandparents), and of course, above all, confusing messages that cause old people to get flustered and spend money (scammers also use this one).



Obviously along with moth balls other products have made it through the old people chain and risen to the top: raisins (you don't need to put them in everything you bake--or do you?), chocolate covered cherries (the ones with that liquid center that explodes when you bite into it), sweaters with sleeves tight enough to hold used tissues, all gray leather platform sneakers, sunglasses that fit over regular glasses, track suits, prunes, marcel napkins, framed photos of The Pope, extremely small or extremely large cars, and watered-down juice. These things obviously have no real use, but old people love them all--it's so crazy. Talk about grassroots advertising--the old people chain practically invented it. How else would these things become so popular with out mass marketing campaigns?



If you don't believe me, just ask your grandmother about one of the things on this list, and I guarantee she will tell you not only how great it is, but how great at least one of her friends thinks it is...