voicemail...

I'm not quite sure what happens to me when I have to leave a voicemail for someone. All of the sudden I have a severe personality disorder. I really can't control it.

Once the phone hits the 3rd ring, everything changes. This is the moment when you start to question if the person is actually around. If by chance, the person does pick up after 3 rings, it always catches you off guard. Why? I mean you are the one placing the phone call, shouldn't you be expecting to actually talk to that person. In those situations I always end up saying something like "woah...I thought I wasn't going to get you." Then I seem like a dummy who goes around calling people with nothing good to say.

I will argue, though, that it is actually worse when the person doesn't pick up. After that 3rd ring, the idea that the person isn't there enters you mind. Quickly, you begin thinking about leaving a message. The whole voicemail process is antagonizing--while the phone is still ringing, you are sure that your party will not pick up and begin to organize the message in your head. Then you hear that little "click" sound of the voicemail picking up. I think this sound is solely to create confusion on the part of the caller. It breaks your chain of though, letting you think for a split second that maybe the person is actually going to pick up. Alas, you realize that you have, indeed, reached a voicemail. You listen to the person's message, sure that you are ready to leave them an awesome voicemail. Then the anticipation reaches its peak--maybe you even try to start leaving your message--until you hear that stupid computer lady explaining to you how to actually leave a voicemail.

Let's face it: it's just about 2010. I'm pretty sure no one needs instructions on how to leave a voicemail. But still, you listen to those instructions and wait for the tone with words ready to jump out of your mouth.

A curious thing happens, though, with the sound of the beep. That little sound causes me to become a complete idiot and say things that I would never actually say in a conversation. Voicemail creates a monster out of all of us. The worst part, though, is figuring out exactly how to end your message. At this point, you know you've already said things that make you sound like a dad, and the stress just keeps on building as you try to figure out how to sign off. Can you say goodbye on voicemail? I mean who are you even saying bye to? Do you just say "ok." and hang up? Or maybe "talk to you soon," or "call me back."

For me all of these questions race through my mind as I ask myself why I sound so stupid; my sign off usually ends up combining about 50 salutations--one of them is bound to work. So I say something like "ok, well bye. Call me back. I'll talk to you soon. I can't wait to hear from you. Um yeah bye. OK. We'll talk soon. Bye."

Stupid voicemail.